A Ruck and a Charred Plaice

We all do things in life that we later regret. More often than not; it involves pairing off with a tubster after a heavy night on the ale; or 'Lenny Henry syndrome' as it's known on the street.

I am particularly ashamed of my behaviour while on a family holiday in Greece. The hotel manager struggled to understand the wife's thick Glaswegian accent, and jumped to the conclusion that she was mentally challenged. I should really have set him straight, but a good parking space is hard to find.

Being married to a Sweaty does have its drawbacks though, as an outbreak of violence is always just around the corner. I remember when I foolishly overcooked her fish supper: she dropped the nut more than a KP rep with Parkinson's.

Her family are all of a similar ilk. Her older brother used to fight professionally until he lost both legs in a tragic caber-tossing accident. Boxing aficionados will probably be familiar with the name of Willy Nick McCrack; he went 16 fights without defeat.

As a result of seeing a multitude of scraps, i now consider myself a leading expert in the fight game. Amir Khan is an absolute stone-cold certainly at 1/12 against Willie Limond. At that price, i'd happily get on Jemima.

Limond has only fought a quality opponent on one previous occasion; and it ended in a one-sided defeat. Alex Arthur literally took him to school that day; the headmistress had to have them both escorted off the premises. I'll take 5/1 for the referee stopping the fight in the seventh or eighth round.

The Yanks could find themselves in all sorts of bother when the Open Championship tees off on Thursday. Carnoustie is known as 'the beast', and needless to say, I've been on it on quite a few occasions. I found it a thoroughly unpleasant experience; I got myself in all sorts of trouble on the approach to the second hole.

It's definitely worth opposing the Tiger as the unfavourable conditions will prove a real leveller. It wouldn't surprise me if a complete no-hoper won, even Montgomerie can not be ruled out at this stage. I'll be having a little each-way tickle on the in form Justin Rose at 30/1.

It's been reported that Frank Lampard spent two hours alone with a 'female friend' in a Las Vegas hotel suite. Frank was quick to deny accusations of any wrongdoing, and personally I believe him, it must take at least 90 minutes for his dinner to be delivered.

When confronted by the news that Lampard is a high profile sportsman with a fiancé at home, Frank's 'acquaintance' moaned, "This is terrible. I don't know what to do. This is a nightmare." Lenny Henry syndrome respects no borders. I'll be truly devastated if I miss Argentina at 6/5 in the Copa America finale.

Gerry McDonnell dabbles in football odds compilation, journalism and orphan rescue.

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