What To Do When You Find Out Your Teen is Sexually Active |
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By: Michelle Anne Williams Posted: 2007-08-20 12:01:14 |
| So you find out your teenager is sexually active. What do you do?Although I taught abstinence and the "sex is for adults" to them from when they were old enough to understand, both of my children became sexually active before they were 18.My son didn't tell me; I found out through his sister whose friend he was dating. She told my daughter, my daughter told me. I told my son never to go out without a raincoat. End of story. He already knew this from health class in high school.And I know this is going to sound terrible and it's a double standard, but I wasn't that concerned. As long as he was protecting himself and the girl, I didn't worry about it too much. After all, at the age of nearly 18, a boy's hormones are raging. But I did preach about the condoms often.His father, on the other hand, had a talk with him after the horse was out of the gate. His father is a fundamentalist and believes sex should only occur between a married couple. And, of course, between himself and whoever he happens to be dating at the time. He told my son to "wait until marriage." A little too late. I think my condom advice was more realistic and more sound.My daughter, now, was a different story. Luckily, she and I have an open relationship. I always discussed "the facts of life" with her; unlike my mother who told me to "ask my friends" in which case I really didn't know anything about sex until I got married.She told me that she and her boyfriend had sex. I was stunned. As a matter of fact, I walked around in a daze for nearly a week. They had been careful, he used condoms. I told her they are an excellent source of birth control, but not enough. I then proceeded to tell her that condoms can break and the boy must withdraw and remove the condom immediately after ejaculation. She knew that, because she took health in high school. She also knew that he couldn't just "pull out" prior to orgasm because of pre-ejaculation (something I never knew) and that, contrary to popular belief, you CAN get pregnant during your period (another thing I never knew).I was raised Catholic and never used artificial birth control. Both my children were planned and the rhythm and withdrawal method were my means of "birth control." I never took birth control pills.Her father never had "the talk" with her about waiting until marriage, unlike the talk he had with his son. I assume that was because he was busy shopping around for chastity belts for her.I don't condone teenagers having sex. I still think sex is for adults. Because sometimes the condom breaks, sometimes you forget the pill and there are a lot of STDs floating around out there. But this can happen to adults as well.I do know, however, that once the "horse is out of the gate" there is no turning back. I couldn't ground her or send her to a convent. Once a teenager becomes sexually active, they don't turn back. So I faced the facts and did what I had to do. I talked to my doctor (while receiving a prescription for tranquilizers over this matter) and she told me to take her to Planned Parenthood and get her on birth control. I knew she was right; my friend and mother told me the same thing. I have to still protect her. I don't want her to have a baby at 17; it's a tough row to hoe. So I called Planned Parenthood to make an appointment for her to get birth control pills. I have insurance, but this was her first time (and the boy's first time, too) I wanted to get this done as quickly as possible.I was surprised when the people at Planned Parenthood would not make the appointment for me. They said she had to call herself. Anyone over the age of 12 has to call themselves. I assume this is to ascertain that the child is sexually active of her own free will and is not being molested by a family member or being turned out on the streets as a hooker. I just find it ironic that I can't make an appointment for my daughter to receive birth control pills, yet she can't get her ears pierced without my permission. Nor can she even go to the regular doctor without my permission.I told my daughter to call and make the appointment; she didn't. I gave her the number and told her which number on the menu to press. Did she make the appointment? No. She claimed I gave her the number for the place downtown and didn't know what to do. This is exactly one of the reasons why I feel teenagers should not have sex. If you can't figure out how to use the phone, unless it's to call a radio station or your friends, how can you imagine you are mature enough to have an adult relationship?But it is what it is. She is "in love" with this boy and he with her. And I have to protect my daughter. So I called Planned Parenthood again, this time pretending I was her and got an appointment. She can bring me with her to the office (which will be especially handy since I'll be paying the bill) but I am not permitted to go with her into the room where they will talk to her.It's a shame that Planned Parenthood institutes its rules around the lowest common denominator. I am her mother; I want to make sure she is safe. But at least I know that she'll be getting decent advice and will get protection.If you find your teenager is sexually active, I suggest the following:1. Don't judge or lecture. It's done. Have an open communication with your child about this matter, it's important they have all the facts;2. If it's your son, make sure he knows how to use a condom and wears one all the time. Yes, girls come home pregnant, but boys can no longer "deny" they are the father. DNA testing, folks. Your son can be spending the next 18 years of his life giving 20 percent of his income in child support.3. If it's your daughter, get her on birth control AND make sure the boy wears a condom, too. I was a bit hesitant about this, I felt like I was condoning the behavior, but knew it was still my responsibility to protect my daughter.4. Make sure you talk to the other party involved and tell them you know what's going on and to protect themselves as well. Again, you aren't condoning, you are protecting.5. Tell your son or daughter that just because they had sex with this boy or girl, they aren't obligated to continue a relationship because they are "soiled goods." This is an odd piece of advice, I know, but a lot of girls feel that because they gave their virginity to a boy, he owns her. One of my daughter's friends felt this way and the boy began abusing her. No one "owns" anyone in a normal relationship. First loves are very intense, do not delude yourself into thinking that they are feeling anything less than an adult feels while in love; in fact, they are feeling even more.6. If your daughter is promiscuous and sleeping with more than one boy, take her to counseling. This is a sign of very low self esteem and pretty much a cry for help.7. Realize that they aren't "babies" anymore. They are making their way towards independent adulthood. Help them along this path and make them get a part-time job to pay for the birth control pills and condoms. If they want to be adults, they have to start acting like adults. In all aspects, not just some. With sex comes responsibilities. One of them is being able to take care of yourself.8. Don't ground her or threaten prosecution unless the guy your daughter is sleeping with is 35 years old. There is a boy in the State of Georgia correctional facilities who has been locked up a year for having consensual oral sex with his girlfriend. He was 18, she was 17. The "statutory rape" laws were put in place for two reasons A. To force a "gunshot wedding if the girl got pregnant; and B. To keep adult men from preying on young girls.9. Don't blame yourself. I did, but look at the world these kids live in? They are bombarded with sex in every aspect of their lives. Most high school students are sexually active in one way or another (and yes, contrary to President Clinton's stance, oral sex DOES count as sex) and the median age for girls to have their first sexual experience is 17.10. Most importantly - continue to teach your children that sex is about love and caring, not just something to do when you're bored on a Saturday night. That it should be always about love and caring and if this relationship doesn't work out, they are under no obligation to feel that they have to have sex with everyone else they go out with, simply because they are no longer a virgin.I was upset and disappointed; I admit. I would have liked to have seen my daughter wait until she was out of school and into an adult relationship. But denial and yelling and screaming don't work. Being proactive, facing the facts and doing something about it does. |
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