Top 5 Basic Elder Care Realities

I always say that for the best elder care results, talk early and often with your aging loved so you can resolve your elder care issues by choice, not crisis. The earlier you start talking, the easier it is to get plans in place. The better the planning, the easier it will be for them and you in the long term.

Before you begin to have your conversations with your aging loved one, there are some very important basic realities to keep in mind. Remembering these basic realities will help you have conversations with less stress and more success.

Basic Reality #1: THERE ARE NO GUARANTEES

Ideally your aging loved one will come around to your way of thinking but the basic reality is that they may not! However, it's important to try - and to keep trying . . . and then to keep trying some more!

Basic Reality #2: YOUR AGING LOVED ONES HAVE THE RIGHT TO MAKE THEIR OWN DECISIONS

As long as they're capable of making their own decisions, your aging loved ones have the right to make their own decisions. Sometimes you can do little or nothing to help them. Contrary to popular belief, you never become your "parent's parent". Even if you're the caregiver, the best you can hope for is for it to be a collaboration. Remembering and respecting this is essential if you're going to have a workable relationship. Sometimes being patient and just letting it be for a while is your best plan of action.

Basic Reality #3: "YOU DON'T SEE THINGS AS THEY ARE. YOU SEE THINGS AS YOU ARE."

As the Talmud says, "You don't see things as they are. You see things as you are." In other words, it's human nature to think that everyone sees things the way we do - especially our parents who are, after all . . . our parents. But the reality is that we all see things from our own unique perspective through the lens of our own generational, emotional, and personal experiences - even the same situation!

Keep this in mind as you work with your aging loved one. Know that sometimes the solution will be illogical from your point of view. As you approach your aging loved one, remember that it's not about YOU - it has to be about THEM. Therefore, to improve communication, try to see things from their point of view and adapt your communication style and approach to theirs.

Basic Reality #4: EVEN IF YOU CAN'T AGREE, SOMETHING GOOD MAY COME FROM TALKING

Even if you can't agree on what's in their best interest, talking will help open the lines of communication. If nothing comes of the conversation other than clarifying each other's wishes and concerns, it will have been worth it. At least they know you are concerned and it may start them thinking. And if you start early, you can try again later.

Basic Reality #5: KNOW WHEN TO HOLD 'EM, WHEN TO FOLD 'EM, AND WHEN TO WALK AWAY

If your aging loved one is of sound mind then they don't have to do anything. Ideally with your help, they'll want to do what's in their best interest but if they don't want to do something, they don't have to! So sometimes it's better to step back or actually walk away so you can try again another day.

That's why I can't stress enough how important is to START EARLY! Even in a crisis, things don't happen over night.