Gaining Confidence as a Homeschooler

It's important to gain some level of confidence as a person, a parent and a home schooler, but perhaps it's not so bad that we fall short of 100% confidence. If we were completely confident, we might risk becoming arrogant and self-assured to the degree that we would not ask questions which lead to improvement. We might become stagnant, bored and in danger of losing the child-like part of ourselves that is creative, spontaneous and vulnerable.

If we have already attained perfection, there is no incentive to analyze, problem-solve or implement new techniques that may lead to greater success. In other words, it may be healthy to have moments of insecurity and doubt: it keeps you alive and on the lookout.

Days and weeks of worrying or doubting is not healthy. Rather than wasting precious mental energy, you may need to get focused. During the past several years I have discovered some specific ways for gaining confidence and pitfalls to avoid. Let's address some of the problems that lead to anxiety and some ideas on how to alleviate anxiety:

1. High-achievement personality. If you have the need to accomplish, you may spend more time trying to "do" rather than just letting yourself and your family "be." Loosen the need to achieve and aim for one or a few goals at a time. It may be time to cut back on projects, or involvement in organizations or volunteering. Just for a season or a year, give up one activity that demands a lot of your time and energy.

2. High expectations and perfectionism. Maybe it's time to lower your expectations or enter into situations with no expectations. Try to differentiate between what is realistically possible and what is an unreasonable goal. Set standards and aim for efficiency or excellence, but try to let go of the need to be perfect.

3. Making comparisons. Perhaps it's time to spend time with your family rather than interact with people in support groups or attend weekly field trips and activities with other home schoolers. I have observed a lot of subtle competitive behaviors among home schoolers and often times I have left functions feeling inadequate. Do not waste time with others who do not share some of your key values. Those who do not support or empower you detract from your mission and goals.

It's silly to compare your brood of four with your friend's only child. Rather than think, "Wow. Her nine year-old participates in theatre, Girl Scouts and the swim team while I do nothing. She is providing a well-rounded life for her child." But look at how rich your life is. Perhaps your family's health and your marriage is thriving. What is wrong with a simple, less structured life? View each family as special and different, not better or worse.

Also, beware of comparing your own children. Your oldest daughter may have been able to print legibly and read by age six, while your younger son still scribbled at eight and couldn't spell cat. The beauty and individuality of each child will unfold on nature's timetable, not yours. Your job is to observe each of your children and try to assist them in the direction that is uniquely suited for them.

4. Trying to please others. This often plagues new home schoolers and people who care about the opinions of others. As you venture into new territory, you may feel vulnerable and may not be able to verbalize the joyful and intangible aspects of the homeschooling lifestyle.

Meanwhile, every time you turn around, a neighbor, friend or relative is concerned about socialization, isolation or that your child is missing out on something. You're tired of being on the defensive and constantly explaining. You can choose to be polite and give short, simple answers or maybe try to change their hearts and minds by engaging in lengthy dialogue. You'll never be well liked and accepted by everyone, so use your energy wisely. Skeptical friends and relatives who questioned us in the mid-nineties are now congratulating us on the good job we're doing raising our children.

5. Lack of a measurement system. Homeschooling seems to be more subjective compared to a classroom teacher who gives tests, quizzes, homework and grades. Some home schoolers are comfortable with purchasing a standard curriculum and testing their children once a year while others feel that they know their children's academic strengths and weaknesses without having to administer tests and grades. If the lack of a measurement system is causing you anxiety, you might want to reread your philosophy and get more specific or develop some concrete goals. You may need to make some changes in your curriculum or methods.

6. Lack of a reference point. Pioneers forge new ground and do not have many others to follow. This can cause loneliness, hardship, isolation or alienation. Think of your homeschooling journey as an opportunity to make improvements regarding future generations. Somebody has to do it - why not you? You are courageous enough to give it a try! Why do parents consider school teachers experts? We can learn to teach our own children and do it well.

7. Fear of failure. It's up to you whether you want to change your attitude or if you want to continue to be plagued by some unknown outcome. Fear of failure is related to many of the other problems listed above. Maybe it's time for some self-help books or to simply redirect your focus to achieving success and having fun within your family. Get busy trying to succeed and you won't have time to worry about failure.

There are no easy solutions to gaining confidence. It involves changing your attitude, outlook and commitment. As each day passes, you can give yourself a pat on the back for keeping your children out of a government institution and in a loving environment where he or she is free to thrive. You'll gain as much confidence as you need to continue this awesome lifestyle we call "homeschooling."

Lynn M. Griesemer is the author of Unassisted Homebirth: An Act of Love (1998) and Your Body, Your Birth: Secrets for a Satisfying and Successful Birth (2007)

http://www.yourbodyyourbirth.org

http://www.unassistedhomebirth.com