Voices In My Head - Art Of War - Marriage

One of the greatest books ever written about military strategy was by a man named Sun Tzu called The Art of War. This book is considered the bible of battle tactics to many military folks, but I have found it just as useful in my own battlefield, my living room. Let me walk you through a few examples.

A wonderful quote from Sun Tzu found in the book is "So it is said that if you know your enemies and know yourself, you will win hundred times in hundred battles. If you only know yourself, but not your opponent, you win one and lose the next. If you do not know yourself or your enemy, you will always lose."

I'm not sure what this means during a military campaign but what it means in my house is that you better know what your wife is driving at when you get home from work and she immediately asks you where you went for lunch. At this point you have either spent too much money on lunch and she already checked the bank account online, eaten somewhere that she's been asking you to take her, eaten with someone she doesn't like or all of the above. As Sun Tzu tells us you must know which of these traps your wife has most likely set and be able to use your strengths to come up with a quick excuse. Above all don't lie. If she's asking where you went for lunch she already knows!

Another section of the book that obviously applies to marriage goes like this, "All warfare is based on deception. If your enemy is superior, evade him. If angry, irritate him. If equally matched, fight and if not: split and re-evaluate".

Evade a superior enemy. I do this one on a weekly basis. During the week if I've screwed up and I know it I evade my wife constantly. I've been known to take three hours just to bring the trash down to the garage. One time I bought a new cordless drill on the credit card and knew she was going to flip because it was so expensive. I actually drove home from work at lunch every day just to check the mail and get the credit card statement before her.

"If angry, irritate". This is genius. I've only tried this once because it's a risky venture. The next time your spouse is upset with you try adding just a little gas to the fire. It knocks them off balance and they lose their train of thought. They may end up throwing a lamp or other heavy object your way so be prepared to side step.

"If equally matched, fight and if not: split and re-evaluate". I usually choose the latter. Husbands are never equally matched to argue with their wives because wives remember everything. I can't tell you what we had for dinner last night but my wife remembers what I ordered when we had lunch the Grand Canyon six years ago. Split and re-evaluate is the safest approach if you can see defeat on its way. You're not really giving up, just taking a break to gather your thoughts before she throws the knock out punch. After you collect yourself and come up with some healthy witticisms you can return for another round.

Although this book has been a classic warfare strategy text for generations I think that maybe it was written by a guy who just knew how to handle his wife and wanted to pass on the information to his buddies. He probably got sick of having to explain to his friends over and over why his wife was so cool. I bet he didn't even have to get rid of the extra refrigerator in his garage or buy a car more conducive to having child passengers in the back.

Sun Tzu lived during the sixth century so he didn't have Monday Night Football or HBO to keep his sanity. I'd have to research it but I doubt he even had TiVO. I wish he was still around today so he could write a text called "The Art of Surviving Two Daughters". That's one book I could really use right about now. I wonder how he would have handled the first boyfriend coming to pick up his little girl.

My name is Artie Leary. I am a humor columnist based out of a small New England town. You may not have heard of me before so let me introduce myself by telling you four things about me that you probably couldn't guess. 1. My parents wanted a girl when I was born and they were going to name her Stephanie. This lovely little anecdote is told by my dear old mother annually at my birthday party. 2. When I was seven years old I stole a zucchini from Mr. Chalke's garden and brought it home to my parents for dinner. It was that night as I cried myself to sleep after my dad slapped me on the head and called me an idiot that I decided I didn't have what it takes for a life of crime. 3. I cut my own hair and shave my own back and it isn't easy. 4. I once told my Great Aunt Alice who was suffering from Alzheimer's that my name was Charlie Manson and she was part of my "family". My mother grounded me for two weeks for that "misunderstanding".