Home Add to Favorite Contact Submit  
             13 July, 2020
 

    
Category:  Articles » Arts & Culture » Humor

 

Voices In My Head - Art Of War - Marriage

Popularity:
         Views: 1054
2007-07-17 11:14:13     
Article by Artie Leary

One of the greatest books ever written about military strategy was by a man named Sun Tzu called The Art of War. This book is considered the bible of battle tactics to many military folks, but I have found it just as useful in my own battlefield, my living room. Let me walk you through a few examples.

A wonderful quote from Sun Tzu found in the book is "So it is said that if you know your enemies and know yourself, you will win hundred times in hundred battles. If you only know yourself, but not your opponent, you win one and lose the next. If you do not know yourself or your enemy, you will always lose."

I'm not sure what this means during a military campaign but what it means in my house is that you better know what your wife is driving at when you get home from work and she immediately asks you where you went for lunch. At this point you have either spent too much money on lunch and she already checked the bank account online, eaten somewhere that she's been asking you to take her, eaten with someone she doesn't like or all of the above. As Sun Tzu tells us you must know which of these traps your wife has most likely set and be able to use your strengths to come up with a quick excuse. Above all don't lie. If she's asking where you went for lunch she already knows!

Another section of the book that obviously applies to marriage goes like this, "All warfare is based on deception. If your enemy is superior, evade him. If angry, irritate him. If equally matched, fight and if not: split and re-evaluate".

Evade a superior enemy. I do this one on a weekly basis. During the week if I've screwed up and I know it I evade my wife constantly. I've been known to take three hours just to bring the trash down to the garage. One time I bought a new cordless drill on the credit card and knew she was going to flip because it was so expensive. I actually drove home from work at lunch every day just to check the mail and get the credit card statement before her.

"If angry, irritate". This is genius. I've only tried this once because it's a risky venture. The next time your spouse is upset with you try adding just a little gas to the fire. It knocks them off balance and they lose their train of thought. They may end up throwing a lamp or other heavy object your way so be prepared to side step.

"If equally matched, fight and if not: split and re-evaluate". I usually choose the latter. Husbands are never equally matched to argue with their wives because wives remember everything. I can't tell you what we had for dinner last night but my wife remembers what I ordered when we had lunch the Grand Canyon six years ago. Split and re-evaluate is the safest approach if you can see defeat on its way. You're not really giving up, just taking a break to gather your thoughts before she throws the knock out punch. After you collect yourself and come up with some healthy witticisms you can return for another round.

Although this book has been a classic warfare strategy text for generations I think that maybe it was written by a guy who just knew how to handle his wife and wanted to pass on the information to his buddies. He probably got sick of having to explain to his friends over and over why his wife was so cool. I bet he didn't even have to get rid of the extra refrigerator in his garage or buy a car more conducive to having child passengers in the back.

Sun Tzu lived during the sixth century so he didn't have Monday Night Football or HBO to keep his sanity. I'd have to research it but I doubt he even had TiVO. I wish he was still around today so he could write a text called "The Art of Surviving Two Daughters". That's one book I could really use right about now. I wonder how he would have handled the first boyfriend coming to pick up his little girl.

My name is Artie Leary. I am a humor columnist based out of a small New England town. You may not have heard of me before so let me introduce myself by telling you four things about me that you probably couldn't guess. 1. My parents wanted a girl when I was born and they were going to name her Stephanie. This lovely little anecdote is told by my dear old mother annually at my birthday party. 2. When I was seven years old I stole a zucchini from Mr. Chalke's garden and brought it home to my parents for dinner. It was that night as I cried myself to sleep after my dad slapped me on the head and called me an idiot that I decided I didn't have what it takes for a life of crime. 3. I cut my own hair and shave my own back and it isn't easy. 4. I once told my Great Aunt Alice who was suffering from Alzheimer's that my name was Charlie Manson and she was part of my "family". My mother grounded me for two weeks for that "misunderstanding".

Specialized in: Voices - Art - War - Marriage
Print article      Bookmark this page
Related Articles 
Share Best Funny Text Messages to your Pals & closed ones (Popularity: ): You are not completely dressed up if you don't wear a smile. Smile is seen to be the best medication and in an effort to make individuals giggle, one or two funny jokes are necessary. If you’re not using your smile, you’re like a man with a million dollars in the bank and no chequebook. It is rigorously tested that in an effort to stay fit and healthy, both physically ...
A Small Murphy's - Maybe (Popularity: ): I have nothing but admiration for the reunited Spice Girls. Their music may have been atrocious, and you'd struggle to find a greater collection of dogs outside of Battersea, but their trailblazing work in the field of ginger acceptance remains unsurpassed.The minging quintet penetrated the public consciousness to such an unprecedented degree that the entire English language evolved as a result. The bints were slightly embarrassed when the meaningless soundbite ...
Hate Days Are Weak (Popularity: ): Smarter people than me, if such a group actually exist, have struggled to find a solution to the threat of terror. Islamic fundamentalists are often berated, but I have a certain amount of sympathy for their plight: if I couldn't have a bet or a bacon sandwich, I'd probably be suicidal myself.I don't want to ram my own theories down anyone's throat (if I was to ram anything down somebody's ...
A Ruck and a Charred Plaice (Popularity: ): We all do things in life that we later regret. More often than not; it involves pairing off with a tubster after a heavy night on the ale; or 'Lenny Henry syndrome' as it's known on the street.I am particularly ashamed of my behaviour while on a family holiday in Greece. The hotel manager struggled to understand the wife's thick Glaswegian accent, and jumped to the conclusion that she was ...
Kitchen Sounds (Popularity: ): This is the sound of my husband making dinner: "oops." It isn't always oops, but tonight, for some reason, it's oops. Do I dare ask why? I'm not sure. I'm either coming down with the flu or recovering from something like it, and I'm not sure I'm in any kind of shape to hear the answer.Sometimes the sound of my husband making dinner is an extremely loud smoke alarm screeching ...


Related Business 
Ruth Oron, Essayist (Popularity: ): Articles on peace and war, motherhood, marriage, and art: from the viewpoint of Aesthetic Realism, the philosophy founded by Eli Siegel.
Licensed Marriage Contractor (Popularity: ): We are the leading marriage contractors in india. Marriage contractors Services is an online marriage service that integrates all the details of marriage related information like marriage halls, caterers, decorators, light music and allother related requirements.
Voices in Your Head (Popularity: ): A co-ed contemporary a capella group.
Marriage Issues (Popularity: ): How to save my marriage, marriage articles, best marriage books, marriage tips. You have finally succeeded in scheduling a meeting with the best wedding planner in town and now you have the entire evening to plan out the details for the big day. Though you will have plenty of questions for the planner, make sure you sit down and make a list of the most essential ones.
CensusDiggins.com (Popularity: ): Searchable databases including marriage records, census records, tax lists, Civil War soldiers, death records and Civil War prisons.
Cylinder Head Supplier (Popularity: ): Karan usa is a leading cylinder head manufacturer and supplier. We provide caterpillar cylinder head, perkins block and perkins head, komatsu head, cummins head, detroit diesel head and kubota head.
Love And Marriage (Popularity: ): Provides a 31 day marriage help program which covers key concepts to improve love in Christian marriage life. After wedding couples need reasons that how to be happy in marriage, connoisseur advice and program on how to save a relationship and help for have a happy and fulfilling marriage.
Marriage Retreats Can Help to Save Your Marriage (Popularity: ): Our Christian marriage retreats have helped many couples with relationship problems. We offer total marriage recovery in a private and nurturing environment.
Arya Samaj Mandir Marriage Ghaziabad (Popularity: ): We Have Renowned By Our Work. We have Solmnized hundreds of marriage with successful Marriage Life. We Only Welcome those Couple Who are Committed With Each Other And Want their Life To be together as husband and wife. Wish Them Happy marriage Life With rituals.
Marriage counseling (Popularity: ): Our network of marriage and individual therapists work with individuals, couples, families, adults, teens, and children. The Marriage Counseling & Therapy Network is a distinguished internet based solution with our state of the art search engine, potential clients will find your practice, based on their needs and & your specialties, filling your practice with focused, motivated clients.