Voices In My Head - Day Job |
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By: Artie Leary Posted: 2007-07-16 11:59:43 |
| As I watched the finale of the hit Mob series The Sopranos I began to wonder what it must be like to work those kinds of hours. The typical nine to five job has never been a convenient fit for me. I either ended up at a job that I dreaded so I would arrive late and leave early or it was a job that I loved and would work long hours but felt like I was neglecting my family.Being in the mob though, at least according to television is all about the family. That is why I decided to seek a job with my local mafia outfit. The first thing I needed to do was update my resume. I tried to gear my years of software testing experience toward something that my new employer would find useful. Therefore I focused on the college basketball pools I organized in the office, my willingness to "collect" any late payments (of course this consisted of sending a polite email and not breaking any bones), and my people skills. People skills are important in the mob because you never know when you'll meet a potential juror on your racketeering case.With my skills and experience geared toward my new occupation I needed to come up with a nickname. No mob family was going to hire a guy named Artie Leary. I decided to go with Nicky Green Eyes. I tried to get my mom to start calling me Nicky Green Eyes but she's got this whole Christian name formula that she adheres to without fail.The resume was updated, my nickname was set and I was ready for interviews. Time to see who was hiring.First I hit the job boards on the internet. I wasn't getting a lot of leads there. Although I did find one job where I could make millions working from home I knew that my destiny was to be a made man and work where I want, when I want...just like Paulie and Tony from the Sopranos.Frustrated with my internet job search I decided to ask my Italian friend if I could work with him in the family business he was always gloating about. That turned out to be a bad idea too. Seems my friend was not Italian at all and I ended up delivering Greek pizzas for the next two weeks before I realized his family business was a restaurant and not organized crime. I was at a loss. I didn't know where to turn next.I started calling all the mattress stores in the area. I knew for a fact that whenever there was a mob war they all went "to the mattresses". No luck there. Not one mattress store had sold a large number of mattresses to a group of men wearing gold chains and talking with their hands. Finally I got my break. I was watching a movie about Whitey Bulger when they showed the bar where his Winter Hill Gang from South Boston used to hang out. I decided to go to the bar and initiate the interview myself. After all, I had posted my resume on all the job boards and not one mob family had contacted me.Upon entering the mob hang-out I immediately felt over dressed. On television all the mob guys either wear thousand dollar Armani suits or sweatshirts and matching sweatpants. I had bought a brand new outfit for this interview but had a terrible case of static cling. My sweatpants were stuck to my calves making me look like I had two prosthetics and somewhere along the way I must have sat in some dog hair because my rear end was covered. I needed to stay focused and move forward. I approached the man who was talking the loudest and seemed in charge.On the drive home as I was trying to stop my nose from bleeding I realized where I went wrong. I shouldn't have opened my interview with "Hi, I'm Nicky Green Eyes and I have an offer you can't refuse." I suppose I'm just lucky to not be sleeping with the fishes. I think television might give a distorted view of the mob. They should have a disclaimer or something so people like me don't get hurt.My name is Artie Leary. I am a humor columnist based out of a small New England town. You may not have heard of me before so let me introduce myself by telling you four things about me that you probably couldn't guess. 1. My parents wanted a girl when I was born and they were going to name her Stephanie. This lovely little anecdote is told by my dear old mother annually at my birthday party. 2. When I was seven years old I stole a zucchini from Mr. Chalke's garden and brought it home to my parents for dinner. It was that night as I cried myself to sleep after my dad slapped me on the head and called me an idiot that I decided I didn't have what it takes for a life of crime. 3. I cut my own hair and shave my own back and it isn't easy. 4. I once told my Great Aunt Alice who was suffering from Alzheimer's that my name was Charlie Manson and she was part of my "family". My mother grounded me for two weeks for that "misunderstanding". |
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