PART 2: WHAT IS COMMUNICATION USING THE TWO MODELS? FIELD versus OBJECT ORIENTATION?

Communication: the art and technique of using words, actions, and thoughts effectively to impart information or ideas, and deliver a message or a point of view across space. Is there more to it? Is it a natural talent or a learned skill?

1. The first ingredient to good communication is to be willing to be accountable

or "at cause" in communication. Most people are at the effect of communication. Being accountable is the opposite of being passive, and the extreme is being a victim. There is a whole world to access through communication as accountability. Wikipedia and Encyclopedia Britannica tell us accountability is often used synonymously with such concepts as answerability, enforcement, responsibility, blameworthiness, liability and other terms associated with the expectation of account giving. I'm referring to it here as the ability to own and confront what comes at us. Psychoanalyst Rollo May, in his wonderful book, the Courage to Create, calls it the encounter with courage.

2. It takes a clear and certain courage to own what we experience

and what others experience around us in matters of communication. It is for our purpose the "heart of the matter" of communication. Becoming accountable for what we experience and put forward, is the beginning of effective communication. Furthermore, being willing to be responsible for what others understand and experience from your communications, is a matter of personal freedom and personal power. Accountability from this viewpoint brings a "world" of communication possible.

Communication happens not in the exchange of information per se, but rather in the perception or interpretation of the information and behavior presented to us. We always listen "from" a point of view, made up of beliefs, experiences and conditioning we cannot always control.

3. All of communication is based on intention.

My obvious basic desire is to be seen, heard, and understood are basic intentions to communicate. Everything we do has intention built into it. The way we stand, the way we walk, the way we say certain words, our postures and gestures all carry intention(s). I have a game of communication when I want something and I initiate an action toward someone, or someone or something has initiated an action toward me because they want something.

4. There are two modes of communication: repetition and creation.

One is based in fear, the other in sharing. Repetition is valid to a point as we first learn something, but ultimately it is just monkey business. We always know or feel the difference. When I inhabit my speaking it is always being noticed. When I just repeat what I've heard, it is noticed just the same. If I go out of my way to stay present, find my anchors, and relate authentically without copying someone else, I have created something interesting and it always feels good to share it. Communication is natural when it is based on sharing and always awkward when it is based on fear. Tension always comes from inaction or not trusting how we feel. I also do not trust what I feel when I'm busy copying someone else's behavior patterns; even when we are not aware of it.

5. The Key to entering in communication is finding an opening for action.

An opening for action can be a signal by the other party that you can engage them. Openings for action can be designed and caused. This is where accountability in communication can be very powerful. What we say, do, feel, and think all play a part in communication, and they all get filtered.

6. We communicate to understand and get to know ourselves.

The ultimate goal of communication is wholeness. Consider this Eastern saying: When I don't know myself I serve you, and when I know myself I am you. Therefore to deprive oneself or anyone of the intention of wholeness, will undoubtedly lead to fragmentation, isolation and possibly lesser forms of communication. Can we afford that?

7. Start-Stop-Change is always active in better communications.

Start-Stop-Change or S.S.C is the ability to start, stop, or change any aspects of any conversation, regardless of the situation we're in. It promotes understanding and increases one's freedom. The reverse promotes fear and limits our freedom to express.

8. When one forgets oneself in communication, all goes well but even more important, the conversation leads itself.

That's field-orientation in action and transparency. Then we simply and naturally focus on our intentions, and let conversation develop. From this viewpoint, we rest or "hang" in communications or while communicating. When we do anything else, we're in selling or controlling mode, and it shows instantly. Selling mode means we do not trust ourselves to be in relationship, so we try to control others and ourselves in order to get what we want. It makes for very poor understanding and relating. I like to call it "playing" what you want. It can be very annoying. When you play what you want it demonstrate poor self-esteem and self-confidence.

9. Something is always being negotiated in communications.

We rarely notice it or let it play out. We interfere. The interesting part is to discover what is being negotiated. Power, dominion, position, time, money and control are the usual programmed suspects. As we understand ourselves better we negotiate more valuable long-term items.

10. People only listen to you when you stop talking.

No offence. That's because their filtering mechanism is competing with the noise you're making when you speak. I realize how funny it sounds but it's actually a fact. When we pause, others have an honest chance to digest, consider and understand your point, as well as other items and ideas at play. As you look closer, you inevitably go beyond the obvious paradox it brings to mind.

11. When in doubt always acknowledge something you like about the other person.

Acknowledging people is key to cultivating confidence, loyalty and trust. Acknowledging in communications is always the best lubricant. It works wonders. Get interested not interesting. It's a sure way to avoid that awkward silence. Second best is to share your truth of the moment without dumping it on the other person's lap. If you feel nervous, don't say I'm sorry I feel really nervous, I've got to go get a drink; instead own your nervousness and pinpoint its source. Recently, I was too lazy to shave and wear the appropriate business casual attire for my client meeting. It made me nervous once I got there, so I told my client about it and mildly apologized. She appreciated it greatly and in fact said she loved my outfit. She said she had never thought of wearing jeans with a business jacket and thought it was very elegant. She couldn't wait to tell her husband to try it. It really brought us closer together. It was a risk worth putting forth.

12. Don't judge at hello.

There are 3 levels of depth in communications. I sometimes refer to them as levels of truth. There's what people say, there's always the mood or attitude within which they speak, and lastly there's always some intention behind it all, acting as the fundamental motivation. We usually judge at hello. It means we hear the words someone says and start interpreting what it means right away. It might work for Jerry McGuire at the climactic moment of the movie but not for most normal communications. We too often find ourselves judging at hello, we are too afraid so we make up or invent what we think is being communicated. Once you take the time to see through and past words and moods, you begin to get people's intentions. They get revealed to you. You then start to relax, become accountable for your surface interpretations, and can as a result communicate more effectively. Human beings run conscious and unconscious scripts in their minds; they have conscious and unconscious desires, needs and focuses. Those often get revealed through subtle body language expressions and less contained in words being spoken.

13. There are feelers, doers and thinkers.

Not everyone sends the same types of actions. In excellent communication only actions are sent and received, but they all carry various qualities. If you blow someone a kiss and your heart pounds, you most likely are a feeler. A doer may bring you a dozen roses and hand them to you purposefully, while a thinker may delay, ponder and pace the floor as he decides what is the right action to take. All actions have to be physicalized, in order to be seen and received. All actions are based on intentions, conscious or unconscious. Wait until you discover what people intend. Don't be too quick to judge no matter how conditioned your automatic reaction might be.

14. Beware of pseudo modes of communication.

If actions are the messengers of my wishes, very too often we find ourselves frustrated and anxious when we do not realize the other ineffective forms of communication we practice. They are: wanting, hoping, and sending or exchanging words, postures, emotions and attitudes that carry no actions. These pseudo modes can be very dangerous as they are static expressions of expectations and entitlements-not communications! Standing there fuming, puffy and red hot with fabricated anger is extremely ineffective as a way to communicate with others. Asking, requesting, asserting, promising, suggesting are verbs that will put you in action. In contrast, saying, conversing, gossiping, implying or simply verbalizing will not!

15. Expectations are another trap to avoid in all its forms.

In dramatic literature, expectations are the perfect set-up to get characters going. Hamlet did not expect his father to be murdered, nor his mother to marry his uncle. We all carry built-in expectations: we do not expect to get audited by the IRS so when we get the letter, it is measured against our expectation, and often we'll have a reaction. No expectations no problem, but that's not human. Most human beings are expectations machines. If you want a sure way to get upset all the time, plan for everything in your life to work perfectly. Another source of upsets is undelivered communications: communications that were intended, but for some reason were not carried out. I wanted to tell my father how I loved him, but he died before I could; to use a classic example.

16. We all wear masks and have an act.

It is to the degree that we are willing to either drop them or own our masks or acts that we get satisfaction in communications and consequently relationships. Role-playing is natural and fun. Things only go wrong when the roles we play own us or are used to control others.

17. We all want to be loved and appreciated.

The ultimate intentions of human beings are to belong, be loved and feel whole and complete. Subconsciously we are always in action and on purpose about those things. The very definition of hope rests on the thing being pursued. If you're willing to keep sarcasm and resignation out of it for a brief moment, you begin to realize the logic in it. Erich Fromm said that the true goal of psychoanalysis and Zen Buddhism, as quoted in Erich Fromm and D.T. Suzuki's wonderful book Zen Buddhism and Psychoanalysis, is to make man whole, loved and complete. The great Joseph Campbell also asserted something similar in an interview with Bill Moyer in the brilliant PBS Power of Myth series. Joseph Campbell said that human beings are ultimately searching for the complete rapture of feeling whole and alive, rather than searching for the meaning of life. It is the experience of wholeness we truly search for. I am one of those people who believe that we do what we do, in order to know ourselves and reach our potential. We sometimes stray very far from that in an effort to get precisely that. Not understanding that little secret about people can be a costly mistake.

Eric Stone is the founder, CEO-President of Speakers & Artists International, Inc., a California corporation delivering advanced courses and training programs in the arenas of public speaking, communication, empowerment and self-expression.

He's also the founder of Hollywood Actors Studio, in Beverly Hills, CA where he has been developing talent and training professional actors for the film industry, directing and lecturing for the past eighteen years. Eric Stone is also a Producer, a Creative Director, and a Professional Stage, Film, Television, and Voice Actor with major national and international credits to his name. Eric is a Published Author and Internationally acclaimed award-winning artist represented in six countries around the world.

Eric is always looking for opportunities to share his passion for self-expression and growth & development. He is currently a national speaker for Vistage International, the largest CEO membership organization in the world. Current clients include Kaiser Permanente, the Tiger Woods Foundation, LA Clippers, the Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf, and Walt Disney Pictures.

Methodology: In this method you learn by personal discovery and experiential wisdom using a large palette of processes, techniques and distinctions to promote self awareness. The aim being to outgrow limiting self concepts. Seldom do we recognize context as the source of our experiences. Yet all the experiences of a fish are conditioned by water and its properties. This method deals with context or medium in which the contents of our lives or work occur. Medium is used here to mean the ideological environment from which we think and act (water to fish, air to bird and man to himself.) By revealing the context in which we operate, we can reorganize limiting beliefs, thoughts and actions into a new freedom to act and a self-generated personal power.