Why funeral etiquette still matters today

Respecting funeral etiquette does not mean being impersonal. On the contrary, it gives you a template that you can use to express your own emotions, without having to worry about falling out of place. For instance, if you have to write the obituary, fashion etiquette immediately tells you what should mention so that everybody gets the proper information (e.g. who died, when and where is the service).

Another example is etiquette for co-workers. What to say? What about the visitation? Should they come as a single group? Should the direct boss come to the service? Where to sit? Should co-workers raise money for the family?

Funeral etiquette helps those in charge of a funeral know all the little things that can smooth out a very difficult event. They save precious time and avoid unneeded questioning by letting etiquette gives them advice.

Let me give you a personal example. I lost my father when I was 14. My Mom was a fighter and she managed to get everything done quickly, with the help of my older siblings (we are a family of 7 kids). Funeral etiquette was certainly not on my mind when Dad died all of a sudden. But I remember that my oldest sister (the real chief in our big tribe) was able to give advice to everyone, to make friends and family comfortable by telling them whether to offer wreaths, bring food, or give money, and to decide on all the funeral details, because she knew about etiquette.

Our society is now a mix of cultures, religions, languages, and traditions. I grew up as a French catholic boy in a 95% French catholic village. As you can expect, very early on, I knew all the rules about funeral etiquette for French Catholics. For instance, I was 8 when I want to my uncle’s wake: I greeted my aunt and cousins, saw the open casket, throw holy water on the dear one, stayed still for 30 seconds, and then moved on to let the next person pay homage to my uncle.

Now, bringing children to see dead family members was totally OK in my village. Was it the same in your hometown? In passing, do you think that it is appropriate to bring children at a funeral service? The way you answer to these questions has obviously to do with your personal background and your personal choices. But how should you behave if you are a Protestant and have to attend the funerals of a Jewish friend? Now, the answers get more complicated. You cannot just rely on your personal choices. You guess that some things will be expected from you and others should absolutely be avoided at all cost. But what exactly?

Once again, funeral etiquette can guide you. Nobody wants to make a faux pas in such a moment. It is a set of traditions and habits that reflect on a culture’s view of death. It also gives tips to people on where to stand, what to do, or what to say. Respect etiquette, but do use your own careful choice of words to convey your grief. Just being there, saying something like “John was a great man”, and writing down your name on the register can be enough, do not worry.

If you have a question about funeral etiquette, the best source of information is always a family member or a minister. But you should not wait until somebody dies to get some basic information. Educate yourself a bit about funereal etiquette among the main denominations. This is actually a good way to know more about different cultures and traditions.

Thibault Masson is passionate about sharing his small knowledge on all sorts of things with as many people as possible. Maybe this is because he grew up with his six siblings in a close-knit family where the word “sharing” had a real meaning. In this context, it was also important to share with his brother or sister the information whether Dad was looking (or not) when being mischievous.

He has created several websites, where he gathers and shares information about various topics, among which The Funeral Etiquette Blog